in constant pursuit of knowledge

it’s been a somewhat emotionally tumultuous 2 weeks as i struggled to get used to new situations.

constant ups and downs as the smallest things made me changed my mind again and again regarding it. i’m happy to say now though that i am extremely thankful for landing this chance and that it’ll be a great time for me to brush up on my specialty while enjoying a balance in my life.
at the end of the day, i believe it’s what you choose to make of circumstances rather than choosing to “victimise” yourself.

Same thing, i guess, goes for a recent altercation. Say what you want but I’m not interested in feeding your victim complex nor lie to make you feel better about yourself. Que sera sera. I’m not interested in defending myself because my conscience is clear.  Choose to push the blame all to me if you think that’ll make you feel better. I really can’t be bothered anymore.

Just a mere sidetracking from the main topic… Anyway, I vented a lot in a previous post about work but I’ve come to realise that I can’t change what some of the colleagues think about me, prejudices or otherwise, except by proving them wrong. Besides, they are right to a certain extent. I am way weaker in finance than in my preferred field of logical reasoning (quote leonard: “You can nag logically”. lol). I need to brush up on my chosen field of expertise if I want to stay long and excel at it.

This resolution resulted in my burying myself in textbooks for the past week and possibly for the next few months. I know I can catch up as long as I put in the effort to do so! This time round, I’ll make sure I understand and remember all that I learnt instead of the “de gui qie guo” method I used to smoke through uni. Grade inflation? I agree with you. Grade inflation = we’re not smart? Logical fallacy. =P

Summing up the fortnight, I have a soft spot for my extremely amiable, kind, fatherly, cute and adorable boss as well as the other new hire. I’ve found a regular group of lunch kakis and endless upcoming lunch appts as my friends are starting/started work in raffles place. My work is challenging (in terms of requiring constant comprehension of new concepts) without being overly stressful. There’s a nice guy who’s taking the place of resident not-very-cute eyecandy (oxymoron =P) in the office for me and the other 2 noobs. I get to leave work on time most days and can easily meet friends after work for dinner/shopping/other random pursuits. I’m finding the motivation to learn new things that I have avoided in the past (econometrics, anyone?).

Counting my blessings and giving my thanks for all the little mercies in my life. I shall choose to be contented with my lot (without being overly contented and stagnating). =)

Hold your judgements.

But don’t presume to know shit about me
‘Cause I don’t know myself
From one day to the next
And I don’t pose perplexities purposely
‘Cause it isn’t a game
It isn’t a test, oh no

~ Geek Love by Nerina Pallot

One week down the road…

It has been an interesting first week spent on navigating the first job in my life.

What have I learnt thus far? (do note that this is a preliminary one-week “report” and subject to change after i accumulate more experiences)

1 ) There’s no pleasing everyone in the world. Best thing you can do is just to live and let live.

2 ) The somewhat crude chinese saying “jian ren shuo ren hua, jian gui shuo gui hua” is absolutely true. No matter how open someone tries to act, they’ll always rather you step on the well-worn, trodden path.

3 ) There’s no escaping the culture of wayang-ing even after leaving a university which prides itself more on wayang skills than actually technical skills. It’s embedded in human nature – the need to impress and the need to keep up – whereby both factors act synergistically to form an unpleasant result.

4 ) My university is making a huge mistake by emphasizing more on style than substance. A “decorative flower vase” can only stay “pretty” for that long and even the most beautifully-presented fluff will be exposed for its vacuousness sooner or later. There’s nothing bad about being socially adept and eloquent…. as long as it is backed by actual substance.

5 ) It’s unpleasant to face a black-face daily. No matter how nice the person actually is, it gets tiring when you have to deal with a “i couldn’t care less” expression on a daily basis. It’s normal to get a little preoccupied when busy with work but the Libra in me frets endlessly at the thought of what may lie beneath those still waters. I guess it just takes a little lot of getting used to.

6 ) I have somehow devolved from being a “cheena kia” to a “kantang kia“. I apparently speak English with an accent too. I would have assumed that accent to be fully Sgporean (lah, leh, lorh, meh and the works) but apparently it’s not local enough. Have I unintentionally turned into one of those awful pseudo-non-locals with fake accents without even realising it?! Oh, the horrors! >_<

7 ) I hate condescending tones from people who have no right/authority to judge. It’s fine if, someday, my boss thinks I’m screwing up things cuz he is in charge of warning me when I start lagging behind. Not you though. I know my technical foundation is akin to crap as of now but I am by no means dumb at all. Give me a little time and I’ll be the equal, if not the better, of you.

8 ) I’m probably sinking into cynicism by this point in time but I lost faith in the old adage of “Ask when you don’t know”. It probably should be edited to read “Ask people whom you know will help you without judging you when you don’t know”. -resigned shrug-

***

I think I focused too much on the negatives but being lessons for takeaway, I guess the negatives always have a way of sticking around in your mind longer than the positives.

After all has been said and done, I really do love this job nonetheless. People are generally nice, the office is generally politics-free and my love for my function has not decreased by any bit at all. If anything, everything I’ve seen has reinforced my initial choice (minus a little unpleasant cha1 qu3 on Day 4).

Now, if only they would agree to send me to more courses to satisfy the nerd/geek/bookworm/academic-wannabe in me. I NEED those mugging sessions to make me feel like my brain cells aren’t dying out. >_<

Needs & Wants

And you can’t always get what you want, honey
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want,
But if you try sometime, yeah,
You just might find you get what you need!

~ You Can’t Always Get What You Want

fear.

fear is the main motivation force acting on me right now.

i know i get a tad neurotic and whiny every time an exam arrives despite my endless, boundless, all-conquering love for studying… but this time round, it feels different. it could be the fact that i’ve currently chalked up 2 failures in sample tests so far (41% & 50%… 70% needed to pass.) or it could be that i’m forcing myself to learn things which has never came naturally to me before, 4 years of brainwashing notwithstanding.

i need to convert all these nervous energy and fear-fueled adrenaline into my brain to stay focused on my notes before i screw up in the one thing that matters so much right now. it’s less of the exam itself and more of the expectations by myself and (perhaps) by a certain somebody.

Workwear shopping~

This is probably the last time I’m going to get to shop before I start work. My tentative budget tells me that after accounting for loan payments and other stuff, I’ll be down to $500 per month. It might sound a lot for most students but I used to have $1.5K disposable income per month during my internship+catsitting days. Please don’t ask me why I’m poorer as a working adult compared to being a student. -sigh- I’m really feeling the pressure to start cutting down on my random expenses… once i finish my shopping for work-related stuff. >_<

Met up with Hui Chee (finally!) for a quick, cheap dinner at RC foodcourt since we both felt so broke after our respective wallet-emptying graduation trips. We ended up going workwear shopping and I got a little mad at G2*** since the ongoing sale + 15% late night shopping discount made it pretty worthwhile.

Boring Workwear Loot:

1. G2*** Black Skirt $49 $29.20
2. G2*** Black Pants $59 $ 35.10
3. G2*** Brown Pants $49 $33.10
4. G2*** Striped B&W short-sleeved top $59 $40.10
5. B*si White Skirt with ribbon $39 $33.10
   Total: $170.60

My debit card points paid off though since I managed to redeem $60 worth of vouchers, reducing total damage to $110.60 for 5 pieces of very versatile workwear, i.e. an average of $22.10 per item. I think it was a brilliant bargain. =)

Now, it’s really time to stop. Grrr.

Protected: Quiet ludicrous obsession.

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NY Dream.

Living on a shoestring budget in a city of dreams…

The article caught my eye as mer & I (and later on, ailin too) were talking about how we all wanted to go to the US for our graduate degrees in 2-3 years’ time. Coincidentally, without any prior discussions whatsoever, we are all targeting the same university in NY, though in 3 vastly different fields of study. If this plan does materialise, it would be my first time visiting the US. I wonder what it’ll be like… -daydreams-

I’m still irrationally partial towards UK & Continental Europe though and this article is not helping.

“To live like a human being on the salary that I make is very difficult in this city,”
~ Quote from interviewee of NYT article linked above

Yikes.

late-night angst

An unpleasantly angsty chat with yeesh (sparked off by my all-too-preponderant feelings of inadequacy) led to her reminding me of the quote below – one which i loved ever since i read the book & watched the movie.

What does it mean when a quote keeps returning to your life, each time carrying as much meaning and as applicable to your life as it was the first time round? Does it indicate that nothing has ever changed at all through the course of time?

Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want.

What do I want?

41% failure.

This marks the first time that I have seen so many consecutive “failed“s in my life.

I desperately need a miracle to occur in the next 13 days. What option is there left now except to fall back on my old “last minute hug Buddha’s feet” mugging method again? >_<